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Henry Stimpson’s PR and Marketing Tips
June 2005

How to Guarantee Your Press Releases Will Be Completely Ignored

APPEAL only to the vanity and ego of your boss/CEO/client, etc.

NEVER consider your audience—the news media, potential customers, current clients, etc.

CONFUSE. Right at the start, no reader should have any idea what you’re talking about. This shows profundity and complexity of thought.

NEVER proofread or use spell-check. Typoes keep the the media on they’re toes. As do bad grammer.

A “NEWS” release is not a news story; it’s an ad. Brag from start to finish. Avoid information.

PUMP UP the buzzwords. When you pepper your release with phrases like “end-to-end ROI,” “scale visionary initiatives,” and “drive transparent paradigms,” you’re cookin’!

INFLATE a brief announcement into 1,000 words. For unusual creativity, shrink an important story into a few opaque sentences.

NEVER cite objective outsiders like customers, analysts, researchers, etc. Use lots of long, windy quotes from company insiders—from the CEO to the parking attendant.

CRANK ‘em out by the dozen. Then, when you actually have something important to say, no one will notice.

SEND them to a huge email list that includes hundreds of irrelevant media outlets with no conceivable interest in your business or industry.

USE eccentric Capitalization and odd, Punctuation.

FOLLOW these guidelines scrupulously and you’ll be sure that absolutely no one will ever read or remember your press releases, except with disgust.

EXPAND! Bonus Tip: Apply a similar philosophy to your website, brochures, advertisements, email, newsletters and presentations to make sure everyone will ignore them too.

copyright Stimpson Communications


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